shandy is on my shit list!!!!!!! shandy and brian are going out. i hate that. she knows how much he means to me. i love him with all my heart and he chose her over me. whats wrong with me? what do i have to do to get him back? right when i need him the most he lets me go. my mom says i trust people to much and i have a way to trusting heart. idk. all i know is i try but i cant get over him. he hurt me worse then anyone has ever hurt me in my life. shandy comes up to me and says i hope me and brian last a long time. it kept making me think me and brian did. we were the gratest. i wish we still were. i mean out of all the people in the world he could ask out....SHANDY. he said he loved me to.

i used to be the girl to hold his hand...i used to be the girl he held and said he would never hurt me. you know how much he means to me. you know that he was the best person in my life. i love him and you know it. and you come up to me and act like its no big deal. well it is a very big deal. everytime i think i just might be getting over him something elts knocks me down. the one guy that means the most to me dont even care that i love him...no matter what...he will always be the one guy i love.

i want him back so bad that i can hardly breath. i see him in the hall and wish i was walking beside like old times. i see him after school and wish i was the one going home with him.

it bothers me the most on wed. the day he used to come over my house me over his. that was the day we usally spent the most time. around 9:00 p.m. the call that i will never get again. sometimes out of habbite i will think its fixin to be time for brian to call. i thought by now the time would take away these lonly pain. but i guess not. love suck and i wish i never fell. i wanna be happy so bad. i was so in love with him that i would do anything he wanted ANYTHING. i guess sometimes one persons can stop loveing the other person while that person is still deeply in love.

all my fears from a year ago came back. the fear that i will die alone...that no one will really ever love me...and maybe there is something wrong with me. i hate leaving my life in fear. i dont wanna be alone forever. my greatest fear is dieing alone without love. i dont want that. i think i am crazy like am the only kid who ever thinks about this. my fears take over me sometimes. i fell so shameful. like everything that i have ever done is worth nothing.

i want someone to love me weather i am happy, sad, angry, wird, i want someone to stand beside me no matter what is going on in my life. my want someone to love me like i cant be replaced. i want to be someones special someone. you know. i want someone to feel about me like i fell about brian. ya know. i gave me heart away. i try to take it back but it feels liket there is a tug aware between my heart. my heart is crying out begging screaming someone please love me. well idk....

well i am gonna go okay. talk to ya later.

m.wilson

<< 2004-09-13 @ 5:04 p.m.> >>